Beth and Louise (artist's interpretation)
Showing posts with label horror. Show all posts
Showing posts with label horror. Show all posts

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Argento's Dracula Looks Like It Was Shot in My Backyard

And edited on my laptop, no less.

Well, dang. I was pretty excited about the idea of a Dario Argento Dracula. I've always had a soft spot for the Coppola Dracula adaptation and the idea of an equally stylish, excessive, and, yes, violent director taking on the Dracula legend sounded like it could have some real promise. And with Rutger Hauer as Van Helsing? And not Keanu Reeves as Guy Who Gets Eaten By Sexy Vampies #1? Oh yes.

Mr. Reeves, looking confused or mildly disquieted at the sight of vampires.
Unfortunately, the trailer's live, and it's a letdown. The visual affects are on par with Birdemic and the announcement that the whole bloody affair is going to be in 3-D doesn't portend good things. Bad production values, anemic-looking acting, and a bird that looks like it was made with ClipArt mean that we will be holding out for better things from Carrie instead. Don't let us down, Kimberly Peirce.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Say It Ain't So, Jim

James Wan is done with horror, so he says. Understandable, seeing as Saw turns ten next year and Wan has directed pretty much nothing but horror ever since. Still, it seems a shame to watch him hang up his horror hat after 2013, wherein he turned in both his strongest film (The Conjuring) and his weakest (Insidious 2) in one hectic summer. The good news is that he's stayingi in the directing chair, where it'll be fun to watch him turn his prowess towards other genres and (hopefully one day?) applying his micro-budget auteur touch towards films outside of his comfort zones.

The bad news is that he's directing Fast and Furious 7 next, because as we are fond of saying on this site, even badasses gotta eat, too. We can only hope for a creepy doll in the driver's seat.

Look out, Vin Diesel!

For more Beth and Louise, follow us on Twitter at @BandLHateMovies or subscribe to the podcast. Give us a rating and leave a comment on iTunes!

Sunday, September 8, 2013

OH COME ON

Really? REALLY?

There's talks for a sequel to World War Z?

Apparently, there are rumbles that World War Z will become a trilogy. We're not gonna get our hopes up but maybe this time they will try adapting the actual book. And if they try that, we are holding out for a twelve hour Ken Burns style PBS miniseries with low production values, faked reenactments of historical moments in the Zombie War, talking heads and history professors giving interviews, long pan shots of photographs, and a multi-tape VHS release.


Like this, but make every other soldier a zombie. Yes. Yeeeeeeeeessssssss...
For more Beth and Louise, follow us on Twitter at @BandLHateMovies or subscribe to the podcast. Give us a rating and leave a comment on iTunes!

Thursday, September 5, 2013

We'll Just Keep Telling You When More American Horror Story Teasers Show Up


By Beth's count we were supposed to get another one with a hovering girl and "House of the Rising Sun." Instead we got this teaser about some poor gal decidedly not hovering and hanging out six feet under.

So someone gets... resurrected? Buried alive? 

For more Beth and Louise, follow us on Twitter at @BandLHateMovies or subscribe to the podcast. Give us a rating and leave a comment on iTunes!

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Podcast #5 - Will It Blend?

The girls take a look at the work of director Adam Wingard, whose movie You're Next premiered at TIFF in 2011 and finally opened for wide release last weekend. After experiencing some serious appliance envy over the kitchen equipment in You're Next, we review Wingard's little-seen 2010 serial killer movie, A Horrible Way to Die.

You can listen and subscribe here! And why not do both -- it's free, after all! Leave us a comment and rating on iTunes!

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Stakeout! Fourth American Horror Story: Coven Teaser

So we're beginning to see a bit of a pattern emerging with these American Horror Story teasers. Odd numbers = women hovering in an old house to the strains of "House of the Rising Sun." Even numbers = subverted stereotypical witchcraft imagery, with "bum bum bum" music accompanying.

So in that spirit, here's a couple of CGIed ladies burning... at the stake? Over the stake? Near the stake? Dang, now I'm hungry for steak.

For more Beth and Louise, follow us on Twitter at @BandLHateMovies or subscribe to the podcast. Give us a rating and leave a comment on iTunes!

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Bitches Be Hoverin'

At least that's what American Horror Story: Coven is promising some more of in its latest trailer. The first line of their House of the Rising Sun cover, and lots of ladies in midair.

If you just can't get enough of ghostly women about three feet off the ground between now and October, here's the first promo with Legos. 


For more Beth and Louise, follow us on Twitter at @BandLHateMovies or subscribe to the podcast. Give us a rating and leave a comment on iTunes!

Monday, August 19, 2013

What do Ben Hur and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter have in common?

A director, apparently.

This is a film we will happily boycott.

Or maybe Messala was a vampire hunter the whole time?!?!?!
For more Beth and Louise, follow us on Twitter at @BandLHateMovies or subscribe to the podcast. Give us a rating and leave a comment on iTunes!

Weird new teaser for a JJ Abrams Project

Not that all mysterious JJ Abrams projects are worth watching (see evidence here), but this one creeped us out.

Check it out here and let us know what you think.

For more Beth and Louise, follow us on Twitter at @BandLHateMovies or subscribe to the podcast. Give us a rating and leave a comment on iTunes!

Friday, August 9, 2013

The First Teasers for American Horror Story: Coven are Live

The first and second teasers for American Horror Story: Coven are live, confirming AHS is once again playing to its primary (only?) strength: an amazing repertoire of very creepy imagery.  Unfortunately, the great, spooky moments at the beginning of season 1 gave way to a pretty disappointing conclusion in the finale and that disappointment turned to total disenchantment once I’d staggered through season 2, American Horror Story: Asylum.  
Because the Asylum casting director thought this man would make a great zombie-making leg-amputing Nazi scientist.




I’m cautiously optimistic about AHS:C.  Both the previous seasons started strong but had a difficult time sustaining an intriguing, coherent narrative over an entire series.  Aslylum, in particular, was  so laughably overcrowded with horror tropes (aliens! Mental hospitals! Demons! Zombies! Nazis!) that all these disparate plotlines had to be hastily solved in its disastrous penultimate episode.  If you haven’t seen it, and don’t mind it spoiled, AHS:A ends something like this: in an unintentionally hilarious sequence, James Cromwell’s character, a secret former Nazi scientist, shoots all the loose-end characters and creatures in the head and then burns himself alive in a crematorium.  In other words, in an unprompted series of murders and suicides, he mercy-kills the storyline, and then himself.  Hopefully the writers of AHS have learned from their mistakes, especially the mistake of overcrowding the plot. But since the Emmys went on to nominate all of the show’s worst performances and thus reinforce this bad behavior, I’m nervous. 

AHS has never been either of the two things I want for it to be: a madcap, balls-to-the-wall, bloody campfest, or a genuinely frightening prestige television drama.  Both the previous seasons have navigated an unsuccessful, uncomfortable middle ground between these two genres.  The casting of Patti LuPone and Cathy Bates seems to suggest they’ve fortified their holdings in both genres, which could be interesting.  On the other hand, AHS is also bringing back some of its perennially weakest performers, including the incredibly un-scary Zachary Quinto and Lily Rabe, who will probably continue to ruin any of the series’ attempts at real horror.  


I’m excited by the premise of AHS:C and its New Orleans setting.  Other than Quinto, Rabe, and Paulson, who I find to be disappointing, the rest of the cast is great, in particular the addition of newcomers Gibourney Sidibe and Angela Bassett.  Finally casting two African American actresses in this show was a necessary move, especially if AHS:C intends to recreate the American South authentically.  So with that, despite my reservations, I’ll certainly be tuning in to this season premier.  Whether I tune in past that is— like the ladies starring in this creepy new trailer— entirely up in the air.  

For more Beth and Louise, follow us on Twitter at @BandLHateMovies or subscribe to the podcast. Give us a rating and leave a comment on iTunes!

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Shut Up, Movie; or, What A Documentary on Child Killers Could Learn From an Australian-German Movie on War Criminals

Lore (2012) PosterI often end up thinking about movies in relationship to whatever movies I happened to watch immediately before or after it, so stick with me on this one. I'm about to compare two movies that have almost nothing in common.

But I think I have a good point here.

Earlier this week I came across the 2012 movie Lore, a striking, deeply mournful drama about a group of five siblings living in the Black Forest in the last days of WWII. When their Nazi parents are arrested by Allied forces, fourteen-year-old Lore (Saskia Rosendahl -- keep your eye on this girl) must lead her siblings on a nine-hundred-kilometer journey to their grandmother's house across their decimated fatherland. Along the way, they encounter reports of, and witnesses to, the Nazi regime's brutality, and a survivor of Auschwitz named Thomas (Kai Malina) becomes their unlikely companion and protector.

I have no reservations about calling this movie a must-see. It is an extraordinarily shot, extraordinarily acted piece of cinema that ought to be required viewing for anyone with even a passing interest in WWII. Primary credit here goes to the direction and cinematography, plus the extraordinary performance of Rosendahl as the title character. At its core, Lore is a character study of one girl bearing the weight of two terrible burdens. The first is the lives of her four siblings, whom she must protect and provide for as they travel without money and food through a war zone. The second is the growing awareness that the ideas and values she's cherished her whole life -- Nazi ideology, really -- are actually horrifying. In order to get food for her siblings at refugee camps, Lore must look at photographs of Auschwitz's emaciated prisoners and read the first-hand accounts of the camps' survivors. We hear the other German refugees around her responding to these pictures - "It's exaggerated." "It's a lie." "Those men are actors." And so forth. We don't hear Lore respond. We just see her watch, and look, and listen.


It's that silence surrounding the lead character that makes Lore work. Lore is a quiet, understated movie that rarely lets us get intimate with its lead character. Lore doesn't talk to her siblings about her feelings or experiences, so we never experience the story in her words. We are just unbearably close to her as she makes her way through the trials before her. Rather than telegraphing Lore's anxieties to us through the script, director Cate Shortland lets the camera linger on details that allow us to think Lore's thoughts along with her. Shots of the deep mud Lore pushes a baby carriage through (the youngest sibling is an infant) show us the exhaustion and frustration that accompanies caring for four children. A vat of clothes boiling in black dye show the deep national grief that accompanies Lore's growing antipathy towards her parents' values. The bloodied legs of a murdered woman convey the ever-present threat of violence and rape against a young woman left without any protection.
Cropsey

In other words, this is a movie that uses images and intimations to convey the experience of its characters. It is very, very quiet.

The 2009 American documentary Cropsey is not.

If Cropsey were a person, he would be the guy who sits next to you while you're trying to watch his favorite TV show and explains the plot to you even if you already understood it. The movie is about two Staten Island filmmakers who, recalling an urban legend about a child murderer named Cropsey that frighten them as children, discover that the story may have come to life when a drifter named Andre Rand is accused of kidnapping and killing developmentally-disabled children in their neighborhood.  After Rand is charged and convicted with two of the five disappearances originally linked to him, documentarians Barbara Brancaccio and Joshua Zemens explore the evidence linking Rand to the crimes of which he was ultimately convicted. These stories include the disturbing story of a now-defunct mental hospital where Rand was a custodian, Rand's own history of violence, mental illness, and vagrancy, plus hysterical rumors of an underground cult of Staten Island satanists who perform human sacrifices in abandoned buildings.

Cropsey, deeply reminiscent of other better documentaries like West of Memphis and Paradise Lost, gives the audience convincing evidence that the prosecution proved beyond reasonable doubt that Rand killed 13-year-old Jennifer Schweiger and 7-year-old Holly Ann Hughes. There was, for example, no physical evidence linking Rand to either crime. Hughes' body was never even found. What apparently convinces Staten Island of Rand's monstrousness is a combination of local folklore, moral panic, and Rand's own less-than-winsome public image. A front-page newspaper photo shows Rand literally drooling as police officers take him into custody, and his correspondence with the directors demonstrates that Rand is clearly unhinged. He is an outsider in the Staten Island community, homeless, and a drifter.

Rand could be, in fact, a real-life Cropsey. Or he could only be the victim of the strange set of forces that hold sway over this troubled community -- the instinct to protect children, the fear of unspeakable evil, the dynamics between insiders and outsiders, the need for a scapegoat, and above all, the overwhelming power of images, legends, and stories. In the face of such powers, is it possible to know the truth, or is the truth-seeker left only with the intersection between reality and story? Can we know anything about Rand, or can we only discover Cropsey?

"LOOK HOW SCARY THIS IS."
The problem with this movie is that basically everything I've just written is pedantically spelled out for us in tiresome voiceovers for the benefit of the idiots in the audience who just don't get it. Though the interviews with families, lawyers, and prosecutors more than speak for themselves, Zemens and Brancaccio insist on ending every sequence with a pan of old buildings and spooky forests while solemnly explaining the movie's message to you. They just can't trust you to look at the raw material and figure out what they're trying to tell you. Even as they explore the abandoned mental hospital Willowbrook and the forests where the homeless Rand made his home for years, Zemens and Brancaccio betray a strange concern that their topic and setting might not be disconcerting enough on its own. They insist, for example, on investigating Willowbrook in the middle of the night, Blair-Witch style. Why film in the middle of the night when the audience can't get a clear look at the facility that haunts Staten Island's history? Because it's so much creepier in the middle of the night, that's why. And then Zemens helpfully chimes in with a voiceover to remind us that This Facility Haunts Staten Island's History, and you might not have gotten it if he hadn't been here to tell you about it.

By the time Cropsey is over, you just want Zemens and Brancaccio to leave you alone. Everything is souped up, dressed up, talked through, walked through, explained, evaluated, and summarized. It's like being shown a delicious meal, then having Zemens and Brancaccio chew it up and spit it directly into your mouth. While all you want is to explore the facts, images, and stories in their raw and undoctored form, the filmmakers just can't stand to let you figure it out on your own. And this is where Lore's psychic distance and silence could teach Zemens and Brancaccio a thing or two about filmmaking. When Lore watches Thomas bathe and play with her young siblings in a creek bed, she doesn't turn to her little sister and say, "I don't know how to reconcile the closeness I feel like Thomas with the fact that he is Jewish."We don't need her to, and if she did it would be ridiculous. The director and actress trust us to have the awareness and humanity to see Lore interact with her environment, and to understand the turmoil and pain and changes she's going through. The director, in other words, does not think you are an idiot.

And Cropsey could have done the same thing. A description of the suspect evidence, plus an account of the crazed satanic-cult rumors, plus an interview with someone who remembers the Cropsey legends, all express the same theme that Zemens explains to you in his voiceovers. Lore's style of communication leaves the viewer feeling haunted and sobered. Cropsey's style of communication leaves the viewer feeling belittled and manipulated. Lore's style is better.

So shut up, movies. Let the viewer figure it out for once.

For more Beth and Louise, follow us on Twitter at @BandLHateMovies or subscribe to the podcast. Give us a rating and leave a comment on iTunes!

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Louise hates Sharknado, Joins the Cliché

Site news: you can now listen to Beth and Louise Hate Movies on iTunes! The first episode is out with The Movies We Hate the Most, but stay tuned for upcoming episodes. http://tinyurl.com/n4zjdxr

In the meantime, here's Louise with a review of SyFy's Twitter-fueled, Z-list hit, Sharknado.










To start: I know I’m supposed to hate Sharknado. In case you managed to dodge the Twitterfest and subsequent press coverage of this movie, Sharknado is a Syfy original movie about an apocalyptic storm that, yes, sucks sharks out of the ocean into a cyclone and drops them onto bystanders in LA. The heroes of the film, led by Tara Reid and her character’s ex-husband, have no choice to bomb the tornados from a helicopter, thus destroying the cyclone but apparently none of the buildings that they may accidentally hit in the process. Also, presumably dropping thousands of sharks onto LA once the funnel clouds recede.

Success!


I won’t bore you by pointing out plot holes in Shaknado, because to do so might imply the writers cared at all about telling a coherent story.  They did not.  This is a film that doesn’t care about plot, characterization, biology, physics, or sound editing.  What this movie actually cares about it being the sort of film you’ll riff Mystery Science Theater 3000-style on your iPhone with the hashtag #sharknado so they are guaranteed a budget for the sequel.



Make no mistake: When this film is trying to be a new camp classic, it is laugh-out-loud funny.  The sharks, for example, act less like fish than like giant wind-up toys whose mouths constantly chomp, whether they are zooming through a tornado or being dropped onto a waterless freeway.  The most hilarious shot of the film is in its climax, when we see an actual sharknado full of about 15,000 sharks chomping at nothing, instead of gasping for air, thrashing around, or doing anything else a fish might do out of water.  When people get eaten in this movie, it’s usually because they’ve been sucked into a shark’s mouth, which muches as indiscriminately as a wood chipper.  In one fantastic sequence, a man is eaten on the freeway when a shark is dropped mouth-first onto his head, presumably cramming the whole unchewed man directly into its stomach.  The only way to improve these great campy moments—like when the hero chainsaws himself and another woman out of a shark’s insides—is if all the sharks were undead.  And if Tara Reid was a Nazi.



But the moments of unbridled campy joy are few and far between, and in the interim, we are treated to the laziness of the director, writer, and all the actors involved. At least forty-five minutes of this movie is raw stock footage -- extended clips of people we never meet on surfboards, or sharkless waves crashing onto the California highways. The CGI sharks look like they’re created on StickDraw, and even then, the images are continually reused.  Sure, this is a bad film.  But worse yet, it’s a boring film, meaning it never quite grabs the “so bad it’s good” brass ring.



The best “so bad they’re good” films are the ones that are unflinchingly sincere in their acting and writing, without so much as a wink at the camera to acknowledge that any of the actors are in on the joke.  I’m thinking of gems such as Russ Meyer and Roger Epert’s Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, which, if you haven’t seen it, is an absolute disaster of a B-movie exploitation romp.  Meyer and Epert wrote this masterpiece as they went, which means that the grand finale is completely unshadowed. This would normally not be a huge deal; however, in the finale of Beyond the Valley of the Dolls a presumably male character is suddenly revealed to be a woman, then proceeds to behead his/her costar with a sword while the 20th Century Fox fanfare plays. The film, like Sharknado, has no coherent plot or desire to comply with basic science.  But unlike Sharknado, this film, and other so-bad-it’s-good gems, has no cynicism; even minute of it ham-fisted, overblown, and entirely sincere in its B-movie terribleness (see also: The Room).  I was never bored while watching this movie because, instead of checking my watch, I was instead wondering, “Is this a joke?  Are these people seriously not in on the joke?”

Sharknado, on the other hand, is a watch-checker.  It is an awful, inexcusable mess of a movie.  But most offensively, it is lazy, cynical, and insincere in its awfulness.  Unlike Dolls or The Room, this is not a movie that cares about entertaining us.  Instead, it cares a great deal about generating a good hashtag, which it accomplishes in the title card.  From there, its only goal to do is create a larger audience for itself, with more Tweets and more Facebook comments.  Apparently it worked.  The sequel has already been greenlit.  


Don’t add to the conversation.  I wish I hadn’t.   

For more Beth and Louise, follow us on Twitter at @BandLHateMovies or subscribe to the podcast. Give us a rating and leave a comment on iTunes!