Holy Outrage, Batman!

A petition addressed to Florida governor Rick Scott to pardon Marissa Alexander, who fired a warning shot and harmed no one while being threatened by her abusive husband and was sentenced to twenty years in prison: signed by 13,787 supporters

A petition to Delta Kappa Epsilon International to stop defending its Yale chapter, which has repeatedly marched around rape crisis centers and women's dorms chanting, "No means yes! Yes means anal!": 6,871 supporters

A petition to Warner Brothers to dismiss Ben Affleck and recast the role of Bruce Wayne has
37,728 supporters, at time of writing.

I think if Batman were real, he would want us to defend racial minorities, battered women, and rape survivors more than his portrayal on the silver screen.

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Take It Down a Notch, Nerds: In Subdued Defense of Ben Affleck

I recently posted an article about my mild (key word "mild") disappointment that Ben Affleck had been cast in the role of Batman for the 2015 sequel to Man of Steel. The article was entitled "Beth Angered the Warner Brother Gods" because I had just recently posted a different article about why I wanted an unknown actor in the role of Bruce Wayne.

Let me be very clear: I said I had apparently angered the Warner Brother Gods. I did not say I apparently peed on their shrines. 

Or maybe I just softened up once I got a look at those abs.

Allow me to be a moderating voice in the maelstrom of nerd rage afoot today. Affleck as Batman is not a harbinger of doom. He is a perfectly respectable actor (he was fine in both Argo and The Town, recently) and there's no way he can single-handedly destroy a movie by his performance. Anyway, we've got Snyder poised to do that all by himself. However, there are three reasons why Affleck isn't an inspired choice, and why I would have preferred if they had cast someone else.

1) Affleck is a good choice but not a risky, and therefore exciting, choice. He's done fine in most of his recent movies and he holds his own in suspense and action films. However, even though Affleck did perfectly well in Argo and The Town, he was also completely upstaged by the more energetic, colorful, memorable actors and actresses in the supporting roles (particularly Alan Arkin and John Goodman in Argo and Jon Hamm and Jeremy Renner in The Town). There is a huge difference between being a good actor and getting the world's attention. I know Affleck can do the former. I'm not so sure about the latter.

2) I already talked about this in a previous article so I'm not going to belabor it here. The role of Batman is a star-making role. If you cast a good, previously unknown actor in the part, he's well on his way towards an illustrious career. Affleck already has an illustrious career. This is a missed opportunity.

3) Finally, apparently no one else remembers this but Affleck is a hell of a good director. Argo, The Town, and Gone Baby Gone were all critical darlings. Sure, Affleck's got a fourth on the docket (Live By Night) coming up in 2014, but I hate the idea of such a talented director getting tied up with acting gigs in a franchise in 2015 and beyond. I like Affleck just fine, but I like him best in a chair behind the camera.

I saw this in 2010 and I still have nightmares about bank-robbing nuns.

Would I have liked an unfamiliar face under the mask? Sure. But while I'm not drooling over Snyder's next movie, I'm also not snarling and grinding my teeth. I mean, I reacted with the same mild disappointment when Heath Ledger was cast as the Joker, and we all known how that turned out.

If he had stolen this money with the help of bank robbing nuns, I would never sleep again.

Of course, I also reacted the same way when I heard that Tom Hardy was going to play Bane, and we also know how that turned out. It turned out like Sean Connery talking into a box fan. So you never can tell, can ya, kid?

At the very least, 2009 gave us positive proof that Batman vs Superman would not, could not be Snyder's worst film. So cling to that hope in times of darkness, nerds. It'll be OK.

Crawl in a hole and die, you talentless hack.

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Beth Angered the Warner Brother Gods

Well, no one at Warner Brothers listened to my suggestions about who to cast in the role of the next Batman.

Ladies and gentleman, your new Bruce Wayne.

This is his "my parents just got shot" face.

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I Want a Famous Luthor and an Unknown Batman in Batman Vs. Superman

It won't happen, but if it does, allow me to make this pledge right now:

If Ryan Gosling is the new Batman, as the unlikely rumor has it, I will not go see him in 2015.

Wait, no. That's a bold-faced lie. I will go see the new Batman movie even if Betty White plays Bruce Wayne. Especially if Betty White plays Bruce Wayne.

Now picture her doing the Batvoice.

But if Ryan Gosling is the new Batman, I will be significantly less excited to see him in 2015.

The same goes for Josh Brolin, possibly for Matthew Goode, and definitely Orlando Bloom -- three other actors rumored to be in the early running to take on Batman's cowl. I don't dislike Brolin or Goode (can't say the same about Bloom, sadly). I've never seen a performance from Brolin I didn't like and Goode seems more than capable as a rising star who's already taken on one superhero role. But I don't want either of them to play Batman in 2015 because I think Batman should play Batman.

The role of Batman ought to be a star maker, not a star magnet -- like it was for relative unknown Christian Bale in 2005 and certainly for Henry Cavill in 2013. An unfamiliar actor is ideal for such a part because the role the actor will be playing is already familiar on its own. I don't want someone I recognize to take the role of Batman in 2015 - I want to really believe he is Batman. I got this in 2005 with Batman Begins (I was born in 1988... a little young for American Psycho) so the effect of watching this unfamiliar actor inhabit the story I already knew was enthralling. I can't watch an actor as familiar as Ryan Gosling put on a cape and truly believe that he is Batman. But I can believe that Ryan Armitage is the Caped Crusader.

Honestly, I'd only recognize him if he were four feet tall with a beard.

None of the above, however, applies for the role of Lex Luthor.

Most of the best villains I've ever seen on screen were performed by actors who were either a) stretching themselves, b) clearly having the time of their lives, or c) both. There's something undeniably gleeful about watching an established, dignified, award-winning actor put on his best mustache-twirling face and set the audience either screaming or nervously giggling for two hours. I could provide examples for hours here. Jack Nicholson as the Joker in Batman. Robert DeNiro as Max Cady in Cape Fear. Kevin Spacey as John Doe in Se7en.* And so forth. Half the pleasure of watching these performances comes from the fact that we recognize the actors immediately, but they aren't acting anything like their "normal selves," so to speak. It's like seeing a good friend in an incredible costume on Halloween. They're recognizable, but their appearance in this new and frightening role is even scarier because of their familiarity.

For this reason, I'm gunning for Bryan Cranston in the role of Lex Luthor. It's total speculation at this point Breaking Bad fans have long been familiar with Cranston's dark side, but the role of Luthor is completely different from the everyman-gone-wrong character of Walter White. This is beyond looking for a good actor who happens to look bald. Bryan Cranston (like Michael Shannon) can be equal parts scary and hammy, the essential ingredients of a good supervillain actor.

Separated at birth?????

So let's get Cranston on board as a super villain. Don't put that bald head to waste.

*As much as I love Heath Ledger's performance as the Joker, I feel uncomfortable providing it as an example because 1) in my opinion, Ledger is unrecognizable in the part, and therefore largely unfamiliar to the audience and 2) the aftermath of the movie showed that we could hardly say that Ledger enjoyed the experience.

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#4: Space Jesus

In a desperate attempt to appease their only fan, Beth and Louise bite the (faster than a speeding) bullet, (man of) steel themselves, and watch 2013's most underwhelming orgy of destruction, Man of Steel.

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Bryan Cranston as a Bald Evil Corporate Executive*, Cont'd

Well, this is a surefire way to send us racing of to the theaters to see Superman vs. Batman.

We're begging you, Mr. Snyder, Mr. Cranston, Warner Brothers, and whoever else out there we have to plead with to make this happen. Please. Please please please. Can we pay you? We'll pay you.

How can you say "no" to this face?

*For the purposes of this comparison, we're referring to "undisputed meth champions of the American Southwest" and "successful car wash owners" as "corporate executives."

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