Pirates 5 Has a Title But I'm Not Going To Tell You What It Is

Instead I am going to show you this chart about why the Pirates of the Caribbean maritime disaster franchise needs to make like Titanic and sink.

Demonstrating How the Pirate Movies Suck with Statistics



Doom, Gloom, And Godawful Book Adaptations

Oh look, a waif!

Continuing our theme of movies that we are already sure will be terrible, the trailer for The Book Thief is live. You can watch it here. The real trouble starts when the voiceovers begin.

We had similar trepidation last year about the adaptation of Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, an incredibly voice-driven novel with a remarkable narrator and truly inventive flashbacks of the father (we cried for days after the Sixth Borrow chapter... we're not totally heartless). The movie trailer, however, indicated that the original story had been effectively neutered into a feel-good spin on a monumental human tragedy, which is already a pretty odious concept in our book. Apparently, the critics agreed, and Extremely Loud was panned. 

If the trailer is any indication, The Book Thief is shaping up to be an equally disappointing, toothless adaptation of the original. The darkness afforded by the book's narrator, Death himself, is completely absent in the trailer. The voiceovers indicate that the morals will be as cheesy as they are ill-defined ("Words will inspire her! Courage will guide her!") and the trailer itself pretty adeptly telegraphs the fact that this movie has nothing to brag about. Cheeck out the title card "From the studio that brought you Life of Pi," which means nothing, plus the boast that the "book was called brilliant," which says nothing about the movie itself.

In our first podcast we talked about how much we hate uplifting human interest war stories, and this looks poised to scrape the sugary bottom of the simpering barrel. We're calling it now -- this movie will be this year's universally-disliked Oscar grubber you'll find in your bargain bin at Wal-Mart next June. We're reading the book instead.

Not pictured: childlike innocence, boundless hope, and the triumph of the human spirit.

For more Beth and Louise, follow us on Twitter at @BandLHateMovies or subscribe to the podcast. Give us a rating and leave a comment on iTunes!

What do Ben Hur and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter have in common?

A director, apparently.

This is a film we will happily boycott.

Or maybe Messala was a vampire hunter the whole time?!?!?!

For more Beth and Louise, follow us on Twitter at @BandLHateMovies or subscribe to the podcast. Give us a rating and leave a comment on iTunes!

Weird new teaser for a JJ Abrams Project

Not that all mysterious JJ Abrams projects are worth watching (see evidence here), but this one creeped us out.

Check it out here and let us know what you think.

For more Beth and Louise, follow us on Twitter at @BandLHateMovies or subscribe to the podcast. Give us a rating and leave a comment on iTunes!

Our theory for box office success

Don't name your film a one word abstract noun.

For more Beth and Louise, follow us on Twitter at @BandLHateMovies or subscribe to the podcast. Give us a rating and leave a comment on iTunes!

Casting Ashton Kutcher in a bioepic about Steve Jobs didn't work?

Color us shocked.

What could go wrong?

For more Beth and Louise, follow us on Twitter at @BandLHateMovies or subscribe to the podcast. Give us a rating and leave a comment on iTunes!

Beth and Louise love falling montages

Or at least ones set to "In the House, In a Heartbeat" from 28 Days Later.

Check this out.

Louise Hates Aaron Sorkin

But she does love irony.

For more Beth and Louise, follow us on Twitter at @BandLHateMovies or subscribe to the podcast. Give us a rating and leave a comment on iTunes!

The Fall's First Oscar Contender?

Probably not, but we would just like you all to know this trailer features Lady Gaga, Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen as the President of the United States, a knife hidden in an iPhone, and (most importantly) Danny Trejo channeling electricity through a machete, into his body, and into a henchman, killing the henchman while leaving Danny Trejo and the machete unharmed.

We'll start the popcorn.

For more Beth and Louise, follow us on Twitter at @BandLHateMovies or subscribe to the podcast. Give us a rating and leave a comment on iTunes!